The power of an apology

It would seem that apologies and violence against women are in the news.

1. David Cunliffe apologises for being a man, when speaking to a Women's Refuge Symposium, saying,

"I'm sorry. I don't often say it, but I'm sorry for being a man, right now. Because family and sexual violence is perpetrated overwhelmingly by men, against women and children."

After my initial cringe, the better side of me wants to believe his heart was in the right place, it just came out wrong. Unfortunately, in all the news and blog posts I've read, I haven't seen any comment from those who actually attended.

2. Regarding the Malaysian diplomat facing sex charges, Hone Harawira says on TV show Back Benches,

"I think all of the media, their heads should roll for making a big fuss about bugger all. There's kids starving in this country...."

followed up with an apology on his Facebook page...

“Sometimes I make little mistakes and sometimes I make big mistakes. The thing is, when you’re wrong, front up and deal with it. I made a BIG mistake last week, and here’s what I have to say about it …

I want to sincerely apologise if my comments on Backbenches may seem to have minimised the gravity of the situation regarding the young woman who asked police to investigate the complaint of sexual assault against the Malaysian diplomat.

I have reviewed the tape and I accept that my comments were not helpful at all. Sexual assault IS a big deal, and I applaud Tania Rose Billingsley for her brave and courageous appearance on television last night."

Apart from the qualifiers i.e. "if my comments..." and "may seem to have minimized..." (which can only lessen the impact of the apology) he makes a pretty good fist of it.

In both these cases, the forum and the intent is key to the success or failure of the apology.

Some years ago, I was involved in a weekend forum where people, both men and women, came to deal with past hurts and offences done against them. 

The emotional and spiritual pain that people carry can often be overwhelming. Some deal with it by denying it, some by burying it, and some by lashing out at others, invariably against those closest. Hence any abuse is multi-leveled and can be difficult to successfully target.

We were also encouraged to address past failures of our own. There are two issues that are crucial: we need to face and acknowledge what has been done to us, and we must own up to what we have done, out of our own pain, to others.

It goes without saying then, that in the same way we need to apologise and be forgiven, we must also forgive.

But how can you deal with an offense or abuse, if the offender or the offended has since died, left the country or refuses to speak to you. Maybe approaching them would open yourself up to even more abuse, a very real scenario for many. Or if the offence happened so long ago it would just be wrong to hunt the person down and reopen the wound.

In one of the last sessions of the weekend, I was privileged to stand before a group of women, and stand in the gap, for men per se.

No, I didn't say I was sorry to be a man. What I did say was, "On behalf of the men who have hurt you, I apologise and I ask you to forgive me" - and it only took a little imagination and some recollection on my part to be specific about what I was apologising for.

And this was the effect:

It empowered them as women to be able to say, "I forgive you," and truly start their own journey of reconciliation and healing.

It empowered me as a man to not only feel some of the pain that men have caused, but to be a part of that healing process.

The power of an apology - and genuine forgiveness - should never ever be underestimated.

Quips & Quotes

Seen on Facebook: Men are like dogs: They’re excited to see you – and have no idea what you’re mad about.

Did so! Did not!

They say it's the woman who always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument.... Hmm, I'm not sure that I agree, anyone dare to have an opinion on that?

I guess I've always enjoyed a good argument. Not the "Yes, I did"..."No, you didn't" variety, though I'm sure I engaged in many such exchanges as a child...

As a high school student I wasn't very good at sports and was never that involved in inter-house or inter-school competitions - until I discovered debating. It was awesome, legalised arguments! The school library had a huge dictionary, literally 30cm (12-inch) thick, from which I could glean the most obscure definitions, creating arguments that came right out of left-wing.

And it was no problem debating topics or arguing a case when I privately had no opinion at all, or even agreed with the opposition. That was half the fun. Rugby emasculates. And I hope you can forgive my expressing just a little pride in my teams who won 30 of their 33 debates. The good part was, that as first speaker, I always got to speak twice.

I enjoy talking and I enjoy a mature discussion, the mutual expression of ideas, the consideration of questions which probe the exterior to discover the truth, to learn why people think the way they do, to understand why they believe what they believe. What do they really care about? What's important, to them?

They say one should never discuss religion or politics in a social setting. Too bad, I'm gonna break that rule. Religion and politics fascinate me. Maybe that's why I enjoy reading blogs and political commentary, though it does get a bit sad when the bloggers/commentators take on each other rather than the point in question.

I know I approach a lot of things as an idealist, and that's okay, you have to have something to attain to. And I can handle the reality that not everything is black and white. But we shouldn't fall into the trap of thinking everything is grey and tolerance is king. I've coined a new word on that one - mediaocre - when the fourth estate tries to have a bob each way, and in trying to please everybody ends up pleasing nobody. Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe.

In contrast, my Dad tells me I was always sure of what I was sure of. Maybe that's why I'm a fan of the letters from the Apostle Paul. He presents a point, throws in a few ifs and buts, and rebuts a couple of possible counter-arguments - but the reader is never left in any doubt as to the point he's trying to make.

There are of course risks in having a strongly-held opinion. I have a friend who plays a superb devil's advocate, but the difficulty is, they often end up believing their own rhetoric. And here's a thought: It's all very well winning an argument, but is it worth it if you lose the relationship?

I've discovered in my household I have to be a good sounding board. After all, a woman has to get through about 17,000 words a day compared to my manly 2,000. Um, wrong again. In checking my facts for this post, I discovered there are those who disagree with that concept, and they've got the research to prove their case. There went another belief...

So perhaps on this occasion the last word should go to my friend, Ian Clayton who says "People only argue when one person is not listening."

I wonder if it was his wife who said it first....