They say it's the woman who always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument.... Hmm, I'm not sure that I agree, anyone dare to have an opinion on that?
I guess I've always enjoyed a good argument. Not the "Yes, I did"..."No, you didn't" variety, though I'm sure I engaged in many such exchanges as a child...
As a high school student I wasn't very good at sports and was never that involved in inter-house or inter-school competitions - until I discovered debating. It was awesome, legalised arguments! The school library had a huge dictionary, literally 30cm (12-inch) thick, from which I could glean the most obscure definitions, creating arguments that came right out of left-wing.
And it was no problem debating topics or arguing a case when I privately had no opinion at all, or even agreed with the opposition. That was half the fun. Rugby emasculates. And I hope you can forgive my expressing just a little pride in my teams who won 30 of their 33 debates. The good part was, that as first speaker, I always got to speak twice.
I enjoy talking and I enjoy a mature discussion, the mutual expression of ideas, the consideration of questions which probe the exterior to discover the truth, to learn why people think the way they do, to understand why they believe what they believe. What do they really care about? What's important, to them?
They say one should never discuss religion or politics in a social setting. Too bad, I'm gonna break that rule. Religion and politics fascinate me. Maybe that's why I enjoy reading blogs and political commentary, though it does get a bit sad when the bloggers/commentators take on each other rather than the point in question.
I know I approach a lot of things as an idealist, and that's okay, you have to have something to attain to. And I can handle the reality that not everything is black and white. But we shouldn't fall into the trap of thinking everything is grey and tolerance is king. I've coined a new word on that one - mediaocre - when the fourth estate tries to have a bob each way, and in trying to please everybody ends up pleasing nobody. Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe.
In contrast, my Dad tells me I was always sure of what I was sure of. Maybe that's why I'm a fan of the letters from the Apostle Paul. He presents a point, throws in a few ifs and buts, and rebuts a couple of possible counter-arguments - but the reader is never left in any doubt as to the point he's trying to make.
There are of course risks in having a strongly-held opinion. I have a friend who plays a superb devil's advocate, but the difficulty is, they often end up believing their own rhetoric. And here's a thought: It's all very well winning an argument, but is it worth it if you lose the relationship?
I've discovered in my household I have to be a good sounding board. After all, a woman has to get through about 17,000 words a day compared to my manly 2,000. Um, wrong again. In checking my facts for this post, I discovered there are those who disagree with that concept, and they've got the research to prove their case. There went another belief...
So perhaps on this occasion the last word should go to my friend, Ian Clayton who says "People only argue when one person is not listening."
I wonder if it was his wife who said it first....
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Sunday, 11 November 2012
Friday, 31 August 2012
Kiniffees and gunommees
It's Father's Day on Sunday, and I would encourage you to honour your Dad - but maybe not in the way you would have expected...
Let me explain where I'm coming from.
I've lost count of how many times I've heard the story about some guy who's on his deathbed, and pronounces his regret that if only he hadn't spent so much time at work, and had instead done far more worthwhile things, like (insert here whatever cause it is the speaker wants you to support).
It's not inspiring, it's a guilt trip!
And then there's the one about the prison padre who couldn't meet the inmates' demand for Mother's Day cards, but later in the year couldn't get rid of a single Father's Day card.
Well, let me let you into a little secret - All the Dad's I know (and that's more than just a few) do their best, they love their kids and invariably have the best interests of their family at heart. And for all the stories you read about "bad" Dads, like the 17 year-old who broke his own baby's legs, there are a thousand more top blokes who on a daily basis sacrifice their own time and money, and so often forsake their own dreams, for the benefit of their kids.
And sure, they make mistakes, and yes, life as a kid can suck... "It's not fair," I would whine at my Dad. "Nor's a dark horse," was his standard reply....
But my Dad left me a heritage, and he had fun with us. We played cards, and we went to the park. We messed with the English language (knives became kiniffees and gnomes became gunommees). He took us to shows, we went to the beach, and we played games together. I still play the same games with my kids, and I can't wait to have grandkids so I can play them again!
The longer I'm a Dad, the more I understand mine. It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I started to learn some of the details about Dad's past and appreciate how it would have affected him - that's just one the reasons I tell my kids my stories. It's my choice what events I focus on, and whether I judge him or respect him. If I was real honest I'd tell you I'm a lousy son, and not much of a brother.
One of the saddest things about Father's Day is the number of kids who don't live with both parents. I know some kids who never see their Dad, and others who spend three days with one parent then four days with the other. Call me an idealist, but no wonder they're mixed up.
And speaking from experience, I don't think kids will ever understand why their parents split up. But I do know as an adult that there's no benefit in judging either party.
There are so many kids in our community who don't have a resident Dad for whatever reason, whether it's due to a broken marriage, or he works out of town or he's in prison or he died. There are so many women in our midst who bring up their kids alone - and it's not always a choice.
I would encourage you to get involved, even if it's just for this one day. Paul teaches that "Pure and undefiled religion ... is ... to visit orphans and widows in their trouble..."
My own life has been marked by men other than my Dad who gave me work, fed me, mentored me, forgave me, entertained me, taught me and, most importantly, gave me opportunities to succeed or fail, to try new things, to stretch my horizons. They believed in me.
That's not to diminish the efforts of my own Dad. He did all the above, plus he worked two, sometimes three jobs and he cared for one wife and five kids. He took us on annual holidays and he taught me practical skills. He took me to church and he introduced me to Jesus. He coached my soccer team and he fixed my motorbike when I crashed it. He picked me up when I ran out of petrol and and and and and...
Paul also writes that we should "honour our father and mother", which many take to mean that we should show them respect. However, because of past bad experiences such respect can be difficult, and can sometimes come grudgingly, if at all...
It makes sense to me - and it could be easier to achieve - if, as according to Shane Willard, we also apply Paul's instruction by acting in such a way as to make our parents proud of us - to bring them honour...
And that choice Dads, is solely up to us.
Let me explain where I'm coming from.
I've lost count of how many times I've heard the story about some guy who's on his deathbed, and pronounces his regret that if only he hadn't spent so much time at work, and had instead done far more worthwhile things, like (insert here whatever cause it is the speaker wants you to support).
It's not inspiring, it's a guilt trip!
And then there's the one about the prison padre who couldn't meet the inmates' demand for Mother's Day cards, but later in the year couldn't get rid of a single Father's Day card.
Well, let me let you into a little secret - All the Dad's I know (and that's more than just a few) do their best, they love their kids and invariably have the best interests of their family at heart. And for all the stories you read about "bad" Dads, like the 17 year-old who broke his own baby's legs, there are a thousand more top blokes who on a daily basis sacrifice their own time and money, and so often forsake their own dreams, for the benefit of their kids.
And sure, they make mistakes, and yes, life as a kid can suck... "It's not fair," I would whine at my Dad. "Nor's a dark horse," was his standard reply....
But my Dad left me a heritage, and he had fun with us. We played cards, and we went to the park. We messed with the English language (knives became kiniffees and gnomes became gunommees). He took us to shows, we went to the beach, and we played games together. I still play the same games with my kids, and I can't wait to have grandkids so I can play them again!
The longer I'm a Dad, the more I understand mine. It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I started to learn some of the details about Dad's past and appreciate how it would have affected him - that's just one the reasons I tell my kids my stories. It's my choice what events I focus on, and whether I judge him or respect him. If I was real honest I'd tell you I'm a lousy son, and not much of a brother.
One of the saddest things about Father's Day is the number of kids who don't live with both parents. I know some kids who never see their Dad, and others who spend three days with one parent then four days with the other. Call me an idealist, but no wonder they're mixed up.
And speaking from experience, I don't think kids will ever understand why their parents split up. But I do know as an adult that there's no benefit in judging either party.
There are so many kids in our community who don't have a resident Dad for whatever reason, whether it's due to a broken marriage, or he works out of town or he's in prison or he died. There are so many women in our midst who bring up their kids alone - and it's not always a choice.
I would encourage you to get involved, even if it's just for this one day. Paul teaches that "Pure and undefiled religion ... is ... to visit orphans and widows in their trouble..."
My own life has been marked by men other than my Dad who gave me work, fed me, mentored me, forgave me, entertained me, taught me and, most importantly, gave me opportunities to succeed or fail, to try new things, to stretch my horizons. They believed in me.
That's not to diminish the efforts of my own Dad. He did all the above, plus he worked two, sometimes three jobs and he cared for one wife and five kids. He took us on annual holidays and he taught me practical skills. He took me to church and he introduced me to Jesus. He coached my soccer team and he fixed my motorbike when I crashed it. He picked me up when I ran out of petrol and and and and and...
Paul also writes that we should "honour our father and mother", which many take to mean that we should show them respect. However, because of past bad experiences such respect can be difficult, and can sometimes come grudgingly, if at all...
It makes sense to me - and it could be easier to achieve - if, as according to Shane Willard, we also apply Paul's instruction by acting in such a way as to make our parents proud of us - to bring them honour...
And that choice Dads, is solely up to us.
Friday, 24 August 2012
Give me strength
Why am I so intense? Why do I get so angry? In asking the hard questions, sometimes I think I know the answer, and other times just asking the questions helps me come to the conclusion. And more often than I'd like, I have to let the issue lie until some random occasion gives me the answer I was looking for...
Often I'll find something in the Bible that I don't understand, so I'll scribble a question in the margin and hope to come back to it. Or I'll go take a shower (hoping for a Eureka moment) or I go and do the dishes. I need some head-space, some thinking-space....
Sometimes I get angry because of unmet expectations. I expect to be respected. I expect to be appreciated. Seems reasonable don't you think? I get frustrated when I don't get time by myself, or when I'm not allowed to use my initiative. Or when you don't talk, or worse, you won't listen. Or when you hold a carrot out in front of me, and I don't even get to sniff it. Proverbs says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." and I know what that feels like.
Other times I get angry because of the injustice. I'm accused of lying just cos they don't like the truth. Or I'm put in a no-win situation then blamed for the less-than-ideal result. Or they hold out Brownie Points and then fail to deliver - and I'm still expected to keep my side of the bargain. "It's not fair!" when there are certain rules for you and different rules for me.
And yes, in some instances I could have legal redress, but not in others.... It's been said that stress is "the confusion caused when ones mind overrides the body’s natural desire to choke the (life) out of some (person) that so desperately needs it!" Yup, been there...
I know I get angry more easily when I'm tired and my defences are down. But here's the problem: Anger unchecked is destructive!
Emotionally it can lock you up with bitterness until you become irrational and un-relatable, which in turn can lead to physical illness (such as arthritis) and death. Externally it leads to criticism, hatred, violence, and to murder (or at least character assassination.) One day I'll have to explain those skid marks and that hole in the wall....
Paul teaches that we can be angry but we shouldn't sin. Huh? Jesus compared it to murder:
Paul went on to say that we shouldn't let the sun go down on our wrath. In a naughty moment, I wonder if that means I can get angry after sundown and keep it up until the following evening...
Even Jesus got angry at times - when he saw religious people who were more concerned about keeping the rules than they were about helping people. And he took (violent) action when he saw the rip-off artists working their markets in the place of worship - a righteous cause...
But he didn't get angry when they criticised him, betrayed him, plotted against him, attacked him, tortured him, falsely accused him in a mockery of a trial and cruelly executed him. Some of his final words were "Father, forgive them..."
I think I hear the shower calling...
Often I'll find something in the Bible that I don't understand, so I'll scribble a question in the margin and hope to come back to it. Or I'll go take a shower (hoping for a Eureka moment) or I go and do the dishes. I need some head-space, some thinking-space....
Sometimes I get angry because of unmet expectations. I expect to be respected. I expect to be appreciated. Seems reasonable don't you think? I get frustrated when I don't get time by myself, or when I'm not allowed to use my initiative. Or when you don't talk, or worse, you won't listen. Or when you hold a carrot out in front of me, and I don't even get to sniff it. Proverbs says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." and I know what that feels like.
Other times I get angry because of the injustice. I'm accused of lying just cos they don't like the truth. Or I'm put in a no-win situation then blamed for the less-than-ideal result. Or they hold out Brownie Points and then fail to deliver - and I'm still expected to keep my side of the bargain. "It's not fair!" when there are certain rules for you and different rules for me.
And yes, in some instances I could have legal redress, but not in others.... It's been said that stress is "the confusion caused when ones mind overrides the body’s natural desire to choke the (life) out of some (person) that so desperately needs it!" Yup, been there...
I know I get angry more easily when I'm tired and my defences are down. But here's the problem: Anger unchecked is destructive!
Emotionally it can lock you up with bitterness until you become irrational and un-relatable, which in turn can lead to physical illness (such as arthritis) and death. Externally it leads to criticism, hatred, violence, and to murder (or at least character assassination.) One day I'll have to explain those skid marks and that hole in the wall....
Paul teaches that we can be angry but we shouldn't sin. Huh? Jesus compared it to murder:
"But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgement..."Note the proviso - without a cause. Got a cause? it's okay to be angry!
Paul went on to say that we shouldn't let the sun go down on our wrath. In a naughty moment, I wonder if that means I can get angry after sundown and keep it up until the following evening...
Even Jesus got angry at times - when he saw religious people who were more concerned about keeping the rules than they were about helping people. And he took (violent) action when he saw the rip-off artists working their markets in the place of worship - a righteous cause...
But he didn't get angry when they criticised him, betrayed him, plotted against him, attacked him, tortured him, falsely accused him in a mockery of a trial and cruelly executed him. Some of his final words were "Father, forgive them..."
I think I hear the shower calling...
Monday, 9 April 2012
Just two online comments
It's been an interesting week in my online adventure. I've started leaving the occasional comment on WhaleOil's blog and, on a "religious" issue, got a rather septic response:
I suspect from his first comment that The Baron expected a different response. I kinda twisted his tail by referring to a "rational conversation", a description by the way, which I wouldn't apply to a lot of the comments on the blog. Nonetheless, it was an interesting dialogue which was more amusing than distressing.
Recently however, there was a personal comment about me on Hawke's Bay Today's site:
My initial response? Outrage! Injustice! I know, I know, I should get a thicker skin, but it's so wrong, it's not even funny: the spite in the final comment, getting their facts wrong - the offence they accuse me of, I don't write stories - and hiding behind a pseudonym, a practice for which I am having less and less respect!
The Bigger Picture:
A lot of the blogs and comments I've seen online are downright nasty.
I suspect from his first comment that The Baron expected a different response. I kinda twisted his tail by referring to a "rational conversation", a description by the way, which I wouldn't apply to a lot of the comments on the blog. Nonetheless, it was an interesting dialogue which was more amusing than distressing.
Recently however, there was a personal comment about me on Hawke's Bay Today's site:
My initial response? Outrage! Injustice! I know, I know, I should get a thicker skin, but it's so wrong, it's not even funny: the spite in the final comment, getting their facts wrong - the offence they accuse me of, I don't write stories - and hiding behind a pseudonym, a practice for which I am having less and less respect!
The Bigger Picture:
A lot of the blogs and comments I've seen online are downright nasty.
- When do they become libelous?
- What recourse should you take?
- Is it worth it? Look at the current spat between MP Judith Collins against Trevor Mallard and Andrew Little.
- How much should blogs and comments be moderated?
- Is it feasible, given that some blogs attract hundreds of comments on any given day?
- Why do people have so much angst?
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